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Sep 24, 2012
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whereas n a romney presidency? >> we will never be sick, we won't get older and we'll never die. >> stephen: which is also mitt romney's medicare plan. this is the idea of making promises not to do things no one has ever said they want to do. [ laughter ] but folks there's still so much -- there's still so much to left to be specifically not done. mitt must promise today not to remove the word america from united states of america. [ laughter ] he must vow -- he must vow never to sign any bill that sets your tax rate to your pants size. [ laughter ] and he must assure us that the oval office will never be turned into a buffalo wild wing. [ laughter ] and as milt mitt slowly enumerates all possible actions he won't take, by process of elimination we'll figure out what he will do it's like a game of political mind sweeper. final you click on the wrong square your social security explodes. so my fellow americans this election ask not what your country can can do for you, ask what mitt romney will not do for your count
whereas n a romney presidency? >> we will never be sick, we won't get older and we'll never die. >> stephen: which is also mitt romney's medicare plan. this is the idea of making promises not to do things no one has ever said they want to do. [ laughter ] but folks there's still so much -- there's still so much to left to be specifically not done. mitt must promise today not to remove the word america from united states of america. [ laughter ] he must vow -- he must vow never to...
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and romney's tied when you focus on the index pressably intrigued. and he's up, he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are sigh cotically engaged. (applause) the point is the point is the polls showing romney behind have to be wrong. >> we have a bunch of polls, gallup, pew and-- and uh-- the cnn which either oversampled democrats or at least in the case of cnn, appear to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents. >> there is really lousy sampling in these polls. >> i don't believe them because i think the sampling is probably skewed. >> it is clear that many of these polls are oversampling. >> the polls are skewed. >> i don't believe them. you can go through all the scientific goobledygook you like, i done believe them. >> yes, they're basing this all on scien particular goobledygook which is also the name of stuart vaughn's character in harry potter. professor poppycock goob el dee gook. (laughter) that's very hard to say without swallowing your own tongue. now luckily, folks, i've got my own source of polls. conservative blo
and romney's tied when you focus on the index pressably intrigued. and he's up, he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are sigh cotically engaged. (applause) the point is the point is the polls showing romney behind have to be wrong. >> we have a bunch of polls, gallup, pew and-- and uh-- the cnn which either oversampled democrats or at least in the case of cnn, appear to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents. >> there is really lousy sampling in these...
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Sep 26, 2012
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(laughter) we ain't teaching mitt romney, mitt romney's teaching us. (laughter) so that's why president obama is the luckiest dude on the planet. although you have to wonder watching romney how the hell did this guy even get the nomination? >> it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. >> we will have the first permanent base on the moon. >> commerce, education, and the-- um, what's the third one there? >> her little daughter took that-- took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation. >> commerce, education and-- um-- the um-- um-- >> okay, libya. president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." ears are weird. i don't know what shape that is .. but it's not round. so why would headphones be round? they should be shaped like this.. 'earshaped'. you know .. so they fit in your ears. [ male a
(laughter) we ain't teaching mitt romney, mitt romney's teaching us. (laughter) so that's why president obama is the luckiest dude on the planet. although you have to wonder watching romney how the hell did this guy even get the nomination? >> it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. >> we will have the first permanent base on the moon. >> commerce, education, and the-- um, what's the third one there? >> her little daughter took that-- took that...
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Sep 25, 2012
09/12
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give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything? and do you worry you've offended this 47% who you mentiond? >> well, you know, it's not elegantly stated, let me put it that way. i'm speaking off the cuff. but it's a message which i'm going to carry and continue to carry. >> stephen: of course, it's a message that he wants to carry. the only problem is that calling half of america mindless moochers wasn't said elegantly. (laughter) well, once again, i will fix the problem. i will now deliver mitt's core message for this time with a little more panache. (laughter) uh-huh. (laugh
give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything?...
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Sep 28, 2012
09/12
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(laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have plenty of prayers-- thank thanks to a new web site called 40daystosaveamerica.com. >> all around us we see a nation falling around us into attacks on religious liberty. we're asking pastors and congregations all over america to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. prayer plus fasting plus action equals change. >> stephen: that's amazing. because usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out. (laughter) now, the hero-- (applause) the hero behind this project is texas pastor rick scarborough who last august helped launch rick perry's pre
(laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have...
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Sep 27, 2012
09/12
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wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atone
wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the...
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romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for some reason wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer. (laughter) jim? >> well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deduction. >> let me just -- >> you haven't given me the math. >> well, i don't have-- it would take me too long to go through all of the math. >> stephen: great answer. (laughter) why-- (cheers and applause) great answer why is it a great answer? well, it would take me too long to explain but trust me t was a great answer. (laughter) besides the american people don't want to hear math. that's why ryan seacrest's top 40 countdown didn't catch on until they added so
romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for...